Dreams, Coffee & Tattoo's

For me having a dream that becomes reality 

is like waking up and having coffee in the morning, 

it just kindof happens. 

Now to have a dream that doesn't come to fruition, thats Weird! 

I think this topic kindof creeps most people out so I don't talk to my friends about it. Their are a few close friends who I can trust but otherwise their is no point other than them thinking im strange and I hate being called strange. I think the words Normal and Strange should not exist for the fact that people put a negative light on strange and weird. I dont like standing in that light.

So besides shying away from the negative light i am really just not good at analyzing my dreams. I make mistakes all the time so I just stopped and know that when it happens It will click. 

When I was younger I had a dream where my father was driving an old truck and he was in an accident but their were no other cars. His heart exploded. 

When I woke up the next morning my mother was crying, her dad had been diagnosed with colon cancer and I thought that this dream would indicate a father figure and that perhaps this is what it meant. I was completely off target with that one. A few weeks later my Grandfather on my Fathers side died of a massive heart attack. 

My last dream is bothering me something fierce tho. 2 weeks from tomorrow will be my 1 year anniversary and my dream surrounds it. 

In my dream I received a bouquet of flowers from my husband. Their were daisies, roses and babies breath all wilting or dead. 

The flowers came from a shop assembled by John Does Wife.A sealed note was attached to the flowers in a woman's hand writing but in my husbands words. It was written in detail outlining all of my insecurities, physical and mental. It stated how much he loathed me and explained in meticulous detail every little thing I did wrong. What bothers me the most about the note is the amount of times he called me "Useless" in it. It is his favorite term for me, always has been. When something like that is repeated to you constantly for 6 years how can you feel you are anything but? 

The note was like the last 6 years of my life compiled onto a piece of paper. It hurt, I don't want to remember that part of the dream but it serves a purpose... im just not sure what that purpose is yet.

As hurtful as the first part of this dream was their was a silver lining. When I saw me, I saw me with a tattoo on the back of my left calf. It was a Valentine heart but just the outline and the outline was written. It was beautiful. 

I woke up and started to search for it, I figured I had seen it somewhere. Well after spending Hours in front of the computer looking at ever tattoo site and googling every possible search string I found nothing. It does not exist YET! 

The quote is by Dick Sutphen. When I read it I had tears in my eyes because is this not what everyone wants and yet so few of us get to have. 

"Love me without fear, Trust me without questioning, Need me without demanding, Want me without restrictions, Accept me without change, Desire me without inhibitions." 

I do not know what all of the dream means yet, the one thing I do know is that I will be getting the ink in the next 2 weeks. This will be perhaps the most meaningful tattoo I will ever have.

I do not know what all of the dream means yet, 

the one thing I do know is that I will be getting the ink in the next 2 weeks.

 This will be perhaps the most meaningful tattoo I will ever have.

Who knew happiness could be such torture!

Wow, its been a while.

I haven't been shying away I just really like to procrastinate as much as possible as often as possible! 

So I have been trying to listen to new music, stuff I would not normally listen too and i stumbled upon Rascal Flatts. They did a song called "what hurts the most" and its like a broken record in my mind right now" 

I have had and still have many men in my life, but not one of them has impacted me the way John Doe has. lol. Im seriously going to use John Doe to avoid his real name. He is brilliant and amazing and when im around him I dont have to fake happy. I have been more creative, laughed more and have become a better person and I will always love him for those reasons. Their is no purpose to this love, no reason. There is a very hurtful side to love, the side that knows there is no future.

The reason this song has become imbedded in my mind is because I cannot tell him how I feel. I use terms like "adore" and I tell him how amazing he is all the time but I will never get to say "I love you" and its the only thing I desire to say to him.  

This week I wrote him a letter and in it I said that "I adore everything you are and If you were single I know you are someone I could really be with" I think this may just be the closest I will ever come to telling him how I feel... Im pretty sure he knows. 

Who knew happiness could be such torture! 

What Hurts The Most lyrics

Songwriters: Steele, Jeffrey; Robson, Steve;

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house


That don't bother me


I can take a few tears now and then and just let em out


I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while 

even though
Goin' on with you gone still upsets me


There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay


But that's not what gets me



What hurts the most


Was being so close


And havin' so much to say


And watchin' you walk away



And never knowin'


What could've been


And not seein' that lovin' you


Is what I was tryin' to do

Sigh

She was amazing tonight.

We had a great dinner, the conversation did not halt. when she went to leave I wanted to kiss her goodbye but couldn't build up the courage. 

She is the most beautiful flower in the garden and I wish for nothing more then to admire her. 

If she were to ask me to be hers I would tell her I would never leave her side.

My new diggs Part 1

Wow, long time no blog!

I am moving out of my hell hole of a house 

& into Heavon on Hunter!!!!!

It is still in a state of shambles, or somewhat in a state of shambles. The building was gutted and when I saw the apartment it was still mid construction. I should be finished by this Friday and I move in on Sunday (Fingers Crossed on the finished part) 

I am hoping that this new chapter in my life will be one of the best. I was with someone for so long that I found once we broke up I just wanted to cling to something so I could feel whole again...... Another person will never make you whole or complete you. You need to complete yourself.

So here are my new diggs construction in process!

The View

The living room windows.

The hall leading into the living room

Once I get settled in I will post some more photos of a Completed apartment. 

I love my new place for so many reasons. Its only a stumble home from any bar you can hit in Peterborough AND the Beautiful exposed brick wall that will be used for Many photo shoots!

Excitement, I cannot contain thee! 

The Sun Sets

The sun sets on another day,

so I turn on a lamp

in hopes that it will shed some light

on my otherwise dark existence.

November, possibly the worst month in existence

Im losing a part of me right now. 

I never realized how much I hate november until now. it is a very sad month. 

Many of my saddest memories happened in November, heart breaks, loved ones lost, lessons learned.

I have decided that Next year I will be skipping November. I will extend October and December and completely erase November from my existence. 

My sweetheart puppy Rasputin (aka Pou) Has been having non stop seizures for the past 48 hours. I feel so useless and helpless. I cannot help her and all I want to do is hold her in my arms right now. 

She is at the animal hospital over night. No news is good news at this point. If they call during the night then she is having seizures again and the iv drip didn't work. At this point we have 2 choices. We can put her on an iv drip for 4 days or we can put her down. I don't think that another 4 days of being comatose would help her and its killing me inside right now. She's just a pup, only 4 years old. She grew up in an abusive home and we rescued her. Since then she has had a great life, she has people who lover her and care for her. She runs and plays with everyone she meets. She is fortunate enough to have 2 best friends. The first is our shitzu beagle cross named Veanne and the other is our cat Roux.... Rasp helped raise Roux. She was so gentle and loving towards All animals and people... she doesn't deserve what is going on. She deserves nothing but a life of royalty. 

Im not ready to let go

The greatest irony of love

"The greatest irony of love 

Loving the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right & finding out you love someone after that person walks out from your life. 

Sometimes you think you're already over a person but when you see them smile at you, 

you'll suddenly realize that you're just pretending to be over them 

just to ease the pain of knowing that they will never be yours again. 

For some they think that letting go is one way of expressing 

how much you love the person. 

Most relationships tend to fail not because the absence of love, love is always present. 

It's just that one was being loved too much & the other was being loved too little. 

As we all know that the heart is the center of the 

body but it beats on the left. 

Maybe that's the reason why the heart is not always right."

~Adapted