Most paths your heart leads you down will end in heartache or heartbreak. When you meet someone who you are genuinely interested in you have the option to choose. Do I let myself love this person or do I leave now before you get hurt?
Lets be honest, most people are not worth it. If I left myself open to every boy or girl that kissed me I would be numb. The pain of heartache lets me know i'm still alive but I don't want to experience it every day!
I believe that only a few times in your life will you meet someone who is truly worth the pain. The sheer beauty and powerful of this person and the raw emotion they evoke in your hearts if only for a short amount of time is so amazing that it over powers the heartbreak you feel when they are no longer a part of your life.
I have only had 3 who did this to me, 2 men and 1 woman that shook me to the core and it was hard to get over them, they all still secretly hold a part of me and always will. I am only mentioning this because it has brought me to a very deep and dark place at this time in my life. As one of them passes beyond me one of the firsts comes back to me in a different form.
My first male love, he was beautiful inside and out. He made me question life, he provoked my thoughts and led me down mental paths that I was afraid to go. He showed me how to question existence and how to let people in. He single handedly broke down my wall and broke me. I loved him and still deeply care for him. His younger brother has been a confidant to me for years. I tell him my deepest and darkest secrets, things I would never share with anyone else. My emotions were so frightening to me that I never let it move past a mental state and into a physical... It makes what is happening now easier.
I moved away and only upon moving could I confess what I had held in my heart for so long. We both wanted the same thing but we were now separated by space, possibly the worst move in my life... then I met my husband. He and I were never were meant to be, I haven't talked to him in over 4 years but still think about him almost every day.
2 weeks before my wedding I woke up crying and seating. In my dream I went to him and told him that before I could marry someone else I needed to tell him that I loved him and that I would love him until the day I died. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and told me that I had ruined his life then he ran and I chased. When I finally found him I was in tears and he told me how much I hurt him when I left him the way I did and how it has impacted his life.
When I woke up I immediately called his brother. I could never call him hearing his voice would open the wounds I still bare.
His brother told me how is life was going and how he was stuck in a horrid relationship with someone he didn't love and how broken he was. It hurt me to hear this. I wanted to leave then and find him and be with him.
Most of my friends used to joke that anyone with me had an expiration date... usually of 2 weeks. I would meet them, fall hard then get up and leave before they even knew what happened. He however has held my heart since the day we met but we will never be together. I came to terms with that when I left town.
Please be seated because its about to get rocky.
His brother, My friend, My confidant the One man in the world I know I can always rely on is now telling me that he wants to be in my life, that he wants to be with me physically. The details at this point are skewed but he is talking about moving here. . . this goes beyond the kink we are entering the realm of relationships. His intentions are somewhat clear. He wants me because above all woman I am perfect to him. I care about his family, I care about him, I would be the perfect match AND somewhere deep inside I know he knows it will tare his brother apart.
My emotions are more than twisted and sorted. Could I let myself be intimate with him even love him or will my heart go up in flames when I see his brother again? Would being with him even tho it is what he wants be fair to him in the end. Is he worth the paint this is going to cause, the paint this will cause not only me but him and his brother?
Some men are worth the heartache,
but is this going to be heartbreak or am I just a masochist?
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