Who knew happiness could be such torture!

Wow, its been a while.

I haven't been shying away I just really like to procrastinate as much as possible as often as possible! 

So I have been trying to listen to new music, stuff I would not normally listen too and i stumbled upon Rascal Flatts. They did a song called "what hurts the most" and its like a broken record in my mind right now" 

I have had and still have many men in my life, but not one of them has impacted me the way John Doe has. lol. Im seriously going to use John Doe to avoid his real name. He is brilliant and amazing and when im around him I dont have to fake happy. I have been more creative, laughed more and have become a better person and I will always love him for those reasons. Their is no purpose to this love, no reason. There is a very hurtful side to love, the side that knows there is no future.

The reason this song has become imbedded in my mind is because I cannot tell him how I feel. I use terms like "adore" and I tell him how amazing he is all the time but I will never get to say "I love you" and its the only thing I desire to say to him.  

This week I wrote him a letter and in it I said that "I adore everything you are and If you were single I know you are someone I could really be with" I think this may just be the closest I will ever come to telling him how I feel... Im pretty sure he knows. 

Who knew happiness could be such torture! 

What Hurts The Most lyrics

Songwriters: Steele, Jeffrey; Robson, Steve;

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house


That don't bother me


I can take a few tears now and then and just let em out


I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while 

even though
Goin' on with you gone still upsets me


There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay


But that's not what gets me



What hurts the most


Was being so close


And havin' so much to say


And watchin' you walk away



And never knowin'


What could've been


And not seein' that lovin' you


Is what I was tryin' to do