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Who knew happiness could be such torture!

2009-05-23T21:46:00.003-04:00

Wow, its been a while.

I haven't been shying away I just really like to procrastinate as much as possible as often as possible!

So I have been trying to listen to new music, stuff I would not normally listen too and i stumbled upon Rascal Flatts. They did a song called "what hurts the most" and its like a broken record in my mind right now"

I have had and still have many men in my life, but not one of them has impacted me the way John Doe has. lol. Im seriously going to use John Doe to avoid his real name. He is brilliant and amazing and when im around him I dont have to fake happy. I have been more creative, laughed more and have become a better person and I will always love him for those reasons. Their is no purpose to this love, no reason. There is a very hurtful side to love, the side that knows there is no future.

The reason this song has become imbedded in my mind is because I cannot tell him how I feel. I use terms like "adore" and I tell him how amazing he is all the time but I will never get to say "I love you" and its the only thing I desire to say to him.

This week I wrote him a letter and in it I said that "I adore everything you are and If you were single I know you are someone I could really be with" I think this may just be the closest I will ever come to telling him how I feel... Im pretty sure he knows.

Who knew happiness could be such torture!

What Hurts The Most lyrics

Songwriters: Steele, Jeffrey; Robson, Steve;

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house 

That don't bother me 

I can take a few tears now and then and just let em out 

I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while

even though Goin' on with you gone still upsets me 

There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay 

But that's not what gets me  

What hurts the most 

Was being so close 

And havin' so much to say 

And watchin' you walk away  

And never knowin' 

What could've been 

And not seein' that lovin' you 

Is what I was tryin' to do

Dreams, Coffee & Tattoo's

2009-05-23T22:44:00.004-04:00

For me having a dream that becomes reality

is like waking up and having coffee in the morning,

it just kindof happens.

Now to have a dream that doesn't come to fruition, thats Weird!

I think this topic kindof creeps most people out so I don't talk to my friends about it. Their are a few close friends who I can trust but otherwise their is no point other than them thinking im strange and I hate being called strange. I think the words Normal and Strange should not exist for the fact that people put a negative light on strange and weird. I dont like standing in that light.

So besides shying away from the negative light i am really just not good at analyzing my dreams. I make mistakes all the time so I just stopped and know that when it happens It will click.

When I was younger I had a dream where my father was driving an old truck and he was in an accident but their were no other cars. His heart exploded.

When I woke up the next morning my mother was crying, her dad had been diagnosed with colon cancer and I thought that this dream would indicate a father figure and that perhaps this is what it meant. I was completely off target with that one. A few weeks later my Grandfather on my Fathers side died of a massive heart attack.

My last dream is bothering me something fierce tho. 2 weeks from tomorrow will be my 1 year anniversary and my dream surrounds it.

In my dream I received a bouquet of flowers from my husband. Their were daisies, roses and babies breath all wilting or dead.

The flowers came from a shop assembled by John Does Wife.A sealed note was attached to the flowers in a woman's hand writing but in my husbands words. It was written in detail outlining all of my insecurities, physical and mental. It stated how much he loathed me and explained in meticulous detail every little thing I did wrong. What bothers me the most about the note is the amount of times he called me "Useless" in it. It is his favorite term for me, always has been. When something like that is repeated to you constantly for 6 years how can you feel you are anything but?

The note was like the last 6 years of my life compiled onto a piece of paper. It hurt, I don't want to remember that part of the dream but it serves a purpose... im just not sure what that purpose is yet.

As hurtful as the first part of this dream was their was a silver lining. When I saw me, I saw me with a tattoo on the back of my left calf. It was a Valentine heart but just the outline and the outline was written. It was beautiful.

I woke up and started to search for it, I figured I had seen it somewhere. Well after spending Hours in front of the computer looking at ever tattoo site and googling every possible search string I found nothing. It does not exist YET!

The quote is by Dick Sutphen. When I read it I had tears in my eyes because is this not what everyone wants and yet so few of us get to have.

"Love me without fear, Trust me without questioning, Need me without demanding, Want me without restrictions, Accept me without change, Desire me without inhibitions."

I do not know what all of the dream means yet, the one thing I do know is that I will be getting the ink in the next 2 weeks. This will be perhaps the most meaningful tattoo I will ever have.

I do not know what all of the dream means yet,

the one thing I do know is that I will be getting the ink in the next 2 weeks.

This will be perhaps the most meaningful tattoo I will ever have.

Sigh

2009-03-16T23:46:00.000-04:00

She was amazing tonight.

We had a great dinner, the conversation did not halt. when she went to leave I wanted to kiss her goodbye but couldn't build up the courage.

She is the most beautiful flower in the garden and I wish for nothing more then to admire her.

If she were to ask me to be hers I would tell her I would never leave her side.

My new diggs Part 1

2009-01-28T13:42:00.006-05:00

Wow, long time no blog!

I am moving out of my hell hole of a house

& into Heavon on Hunter!!!!!

It is still in a state of shambles, or somewhat in a state of shambles. The building was gutted and when I saw the apartment it was still mid construction. I should be finished by this Friday and I move in on Sunday (Fingers Crossed on the finished part)

I am hoping that this new chapter in my life will be one of the best. I was with someone for so long that I found once we broke up I just wanted to cling to something so I could feel whole again...... Another person will never make you whole or complete you. You need to complete yourself.

So here are my new diggs construction in process!

The View

The living room windows.

The hall leading into the living room

Once I get settled in I will post some more photos of a Completed apartment.

I love my new place for so many reasons. Its only a stumble home from any bar you can hit in Peterborough AND the Beautiful exposed brick wall that will be used for Many photo shoots!

Excitement, I cannot contain thee!

The Sun Sets

2008-11-29T12:04:00.007-05:00

The sun sets on another day,

so I turn on a lamp

in hopes that it will shed some light

on my otherwise dark existence.

November, possibly the worst month in existence

2008-11-27T22:36:00.003-05:00

Im losing a part of me right now.

I never realized how much I hate november until now. it is a very sad month.

Many of my saddest memories happened in November, heart breaks, loved ones lost, lessons learned.

I have decided that Next year I will be skipping November. I will extend October and December and completely erase November from my existence.

My sweetheart puppy Rasputin (aka Pou) Has been having non stop seizures for the past 48 hours. I feel so useless and helpless. I cannot help her and all I want to do is hold her in my arms right now.

She is at the animal hospital over night. No news is good news at this point. If they call during the night then she is having seizures again and the iv drip didn't work. At this point we have 2 choices. We can put her on an iv drip for 4 days or we can put her down. I don't think that another 4 days of being comatose would help her and its killing me inside right now. She's just a pup, only 4 years old. She grew up in an abusive home and we rescued her. Since then she has had a great life, she has people who lover her and care for her. She runs and plays with everyone she meets. She is fortunate enough to have 2 best friends. The first is our shitzu beagle cross named Veanne and the other is our cat Roux.... Rasp helped raise Roux. She was so gentle and loving towards All animals and people... she doesn't deserve what is going on. She deserves nothing but a life of royalty.

Im not ready to let go

The greatest irony of love

2008-11-27T18:29:00.003-05:00

"The greatest irony of love

Loving the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right & finding out you love someone after that person walks out from your life.

Sometimes you think you're already over a person but when you see them smile at you,

you'll suddenly realize that you're just pretending to be over them

just to ease the pain of knowing that they will never be yours again.

For some they think that letting go is one way of expressing

how much you love the person.

Most relationships tend to fail not because the absence of love, love is always present.

It's just that one was being loved too much & the other was being loved too little.

As we all know that the heart is the center of the

body but it beats on the left.

Maybe that's the reason why the heart is not always right."

~Adapted

Birth of a Phoenix

2008-11-18T18:33:00.003-05:00

I spent my night joined by my good friends from Sex and the City

while I did a pencil to paper study on the phoenix. I have this powerful vision in my

head of a beautiful phoenix done in cobalt blue, chocolate brown and dark umber as a replacement for a head board.

My study revolved around his eyes, beak and temperament. I want him to be ravines and beautiful like the evening sky. I view him more as my protector then anything so I will bring him to life on canvas.

The phoenix has become my power symbol. For the past few years I feel as I am being born again and my life is dramatically changing. I am booking an appointment to get a tattoo of a phoenix on my back and having a friend draw it for me. When the drawing is complete I will post it for all to see, however in the mean time here is what I am thinking.

I will either have it on my back and have its tail twist around my waist until it almost reaches my navel or I will have it going up my thigh. One thing I take into consideration is that I also want a Fu Dog tattoo and it would be perfect going up my thigh.

Here are my two favorite phoenix tattoos. I prefer the one that looks more like

a sparrow, its beautiful, enchanting. . . it takes my breath away.

An expiration date on love

2008-11-17T17:02:00.001-05:00

Most paths your heart leads you down will end in heartache or heartbreak. When you meet someone who you are genuinely interested in you have the option to choose. Do I let myself love this person or do I leave now before you get hurt?

Lets be honest, most people are not worth it. If I left myself open to every boy or girl that kissed me I would be numb. The pain of heartache lets me know i'm still alive but I don't want to experience it every day!

I believe that only a few times in your life will you meet someone who is truly worth the pain. The sheer beauty and powerful of this person and the raw emotion they evoke in your hearts if only for a short amount of time is so amazing that it over powers the heartbreak you feel when they are no longer a part of your life.

I have only had 3 who did this to me, 2 men and 1 woman that shook me to the core and it was hard to get over them, they all still secretly hold a part of me and always will. I am only mentioning this because it has brought me to a very deep and dark place at this time in my life. As one of them passes beyond me one of the firsts comes back to me in a different form.

My first male love, he was beautiful inside and out. He made me question life, he provoked my thoughts and led me down mental paths that I was afraid to go. He showed me how to question existence and how to let people in. He single handedly broke down my wall and broke me. I loved him and still deeply care for him. His younger brother has been a confidant to me for years. I tell him my deepest and darkest secrets, things I would never share with anyone else. My emotions were so frightening to me that I never let it move past a mental state and into a physical... It makes what is happening now easier.

I moved away and only upon moving could I confess what I had held in my heart for so long. We both wanted the same thing but we were now separated by space, possibly the worst move in my life... then I met my husband. He and I were never were meant to be, I haven't talked to him in over 4 years but still think about him almost every day.

2 weeks before my wedding I woke up crying and seating. In my dream I went to him and told him that before I could marry someone else I needed to tell him that I loved him and that I would love him until the day I died. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and told me that I had ruined his life then he ran and I chased. When I finally found him I was in tears and he told me how much I hurt him when I left him the way I did and how it has impacted his life.

When I woke up I immediately called his brother. I could never call him hearing his voice would open the wounds I still bare.

His brother told me how is life was going and how he was stuck in a horrid relationship with someone he didn't love and how broken he was. It hurt me to hear this. I wanted to leave then and find him and be with him.

Most of my friends used to joke that anyone with me had an expiration date... usually of 2 weeks. I would meet them, fall hard then get up and leave before they even knew what happened. He however has held my heart since the day we met but we will never be together. I came to terms with that when I left town.

Please be seated because its about to get rocky.

His brother, My friend, My confidant the One man in the world I know I can always rely on is now telling me that he wants to be in my life, that he wants to be with me physically. The details at this point are skewed but he is talking about moving here. . . this goes beyond the kink we are entering the realm of relationships. His intentions are somewhat clear. He wants me because above all woman I am perfect to him. I care about his family, I care about him, I would be the perfect match AND somewhere deep inside I know he knows it will tare his brother apart.

My emotions are more than twisted and sorted. Could I let myself be intimate with him even love him or will my heart go up in flames when I see his brother again? Would being with him even tho it is what he wants be fair to him in the end. Is he worth the paint this is going to cause, the paint this will cause not only me but him and his brother?

Some men are worth the heartache,

but is this going to be heartbreak or am I just a masochist?

What we sacrifice in the name of art

2008-11-17T15:34:00.003-05:00

My ex husband brought me home these pretty lilies for valentines day last year.

Being who I am I decided that taking a picture lasts longer so I promptly took them outside to explore my creativity. With my rebel ready to shoot I planted them in a snowbank.

I love how this photo turned out however the flowers did not survive.

Who knew that a lilly would die with in minutes of being pulled from the snow???

No Sparks!

2008-11-16T16:58:00.002-05:00

Can or would you want to have a sexual relationship with out a sexual spark?

When you have been "out of the game" for over 5 years single life is a new experience. Either the variety and quality of men has improved or I have?

So at the age of 24 Im now venturing out into the world with open eyes. So many men but with most of them their seems to be this strange disconnection. Was I in a relationship for so long that almost every man will default into friend mode? I am a flirt, I cannot deny it but their are so few actual sparks. I have only encountered one spark, an amazing breath taking and mind blowing spark but now is not the time to write about that. I am writing about my non sparks as their are many more of them.

I recently went out with a man whom I refer to as the cute and persistent photography boy. We met casually at an art show. He is incredibly smart, witty, easy on the eyes and was quite flirtasious. I would be lying if I said I was not interested in him. Who wouldn't be?

So we hooked up and hit my new fave hangout, Black Honey. We joked about the lack of edginess in green tea as I sipped on a carmel latte. He was beautiful and I hung on every word he said. We exchanged stories about what we did with our lives and where we wanted to take them.

We decided to go for a walk and I required warmer clothing, so we headed to my flat and I soon found myself alone with him in my room. As I gazed into his eyes I hoped and wished for some sort of spark, something that would make me want to peel his clothing off and explore his body. I wanted to desire him, I wanted to want to know what his lips tasted like. What is wrong with me? Am I broken? Did my lust nob somehow come loose? Bah!

So we had a great time, a very vanilla and platonic time. I don't feel this is a lost situation tho, I don't cringe when I say he will make a great friend!

A splendid view

2008-11-16T15:29:00.002-05:00

This photo was taken just outside of Lindsay ontario.

My aunt owns a beautiful house on the water and has the privilege of seeing this

sunset nightly. It is so peaceful and quiet where they are you can see true beauty in the nature surrounding you... then the parties start across the water and you think, I wonder if I could commission a boat to take me over where the action is?

A bloggery of sorts

2008-11-16T12:12:00.000-05:00

My life is like a kaleidoscope.

Even when I found a stable picture in it I would love to keep I move ever so slightly and my whole perspective has changed.

Im jumping on this bandwagon of bloggery perhaps as an outlet to express my piffy human emotions however I would prefer to share and get feedback on my art. Not often enough does my brush stroke canvas. I do enjoy painting however I tend to half finish a painting and out of boredom move on. (not an attractive trait for a painter) So this leaves my pile of work half complete. When I find my inspiration I can sit down and start and complete a painting with in hours. Its the inspiration that is hard to find. I need and desire something that stirs my soul. Finding and keeping a muse is almost unachievable in these times of dry martinis and one night stands. Im unsure if we live for the moment or if the moment lives us?

Above my fleeting love for stroking canvas I am first and foremost a photographer.

I would love to build a business on my work someday but for now I dabble in the divine rights of being an amateur.